Life After Childbirth
How having a baby changes everything.
Now I’m not naïve by any means. I knew that having a baby would obviously drastically change my world in a majorly huge way. It’s just that I didn’t expect it to change me so much in the ways that it has, seemingly over night. No one can ever prepare you for the internal changes that take place after bringing another life into the world. It’s literally impossible to explain the feeling that takes over once you do, but let me try.
I am now 2 weeks postpartum with my first child, so to say that my hormones are all over the place would be a gigantic understatement. I am also coming off of hypothyroid medication very abruptly post-labour, so I find myself currently navigating my way through a bit of a thyroid shit-storm outside of the normal postpartum parameters, but aside from this very powerful estrogen/progesterone drop making me extra teary eyed these days, I feel like something else inside of me has changed significantly since giving birth to my daughter. Like something has grown or shifted. I feel like the grinch who stole Christmas and my heart grew three sizes that day. And then the true meaning of life came through, and I found the strength of ten Sam’s, plus two.
Life will never be the same.
It’s hard to find the right words having never experienced anything like this before. The amount of love that is pouring out of me is almost incomprehensible. I just look at my daughter and I can feel myself starting to well up with tears that overflow onto my cheeks. It’s almost uncomfortable and embarrassing as someone who has never really been very in touch with my emotions on this type of level before. There was a period of time during my early twenties when I swear to god I didn’t cry for like 5 straight years, it was almost alarming. I feel like becoming a mom has made me a totally different person on the inside, which I kind of expected but couldn’t have anticipated the depth of it all. I acknowledge that it would be very weird if it hadn’t, but honestly I never could have prepared myself for this, or even comprehended it without experiencing it.
When you become a mom your perspective on life becomes real clear, real quick. The stupid shit that used to bother me suddenly becomes meaningless. Not even just the trivial things, but intense traumas that haunted me for years and prevailed themselves over me throughout my entire pregnancy just kind of fell off my radar the moment that I held my daughter for the first time. And all those little annoyances that would previously get to me are now just irrelevant. I only have one priority now and I would literally give up my life for her if I had to.
This love is so real.
My husband and I were laying in bed the other night talking about how obsessed we are with her, like infatuated teenagers who can’t stop talking and thinking about her at all hours of the day, and then it came up about how afraid it made us both that the other shoe was just waiting to drop – that’s the level of vulnerability associated with this kind of love. You are so exposed that you become suddenly afraid that something bad is going to happen, like something will come and take it all away from you. You become the most defenceless you will ever be once you have a child. Things got real and we now have skin in the game. Life is no longer just about us, and we have everything to lose. But I wouldn’t change anything. It feels so good to love something so much. It’s euphoric.
Nothing will ever be the same.