How to Stop Being ‘Just A Convenience’ In Other Peoples Lives

  1. Self evaluate often. Check in with yourself when you’re around others. How do you feel when you’re in their company? Are you truly yourself or do you feel like you’re sacrificing your values or morals just to fit in with them? Going against the grain is uncomfortable at first but in the end it’s only you who suffers the consequences when you pretend to be something you’re not. If the other person doesn’t like who you are when you are your most comfortable self, they probably aren’t good for you.
  2. Ask yourself if the juice is worth the squeeze. There will always be times when you are left holding the proverbial bag, getting the short end of the stick or taking one for the team which is especially true in romantic relationships. It can’t always be 50/50. In fact the best relationships I’ve ever had have been built on that foundation with a mutual understanding that I may not be my best today but I will try again for you tomorrow. Loving someone fully means making sacrifices for them sometimes and swallowing your pride. It means both people giving their best at all times but understanding that sometimes your best isn’t perfect but you’ll try harder next time. On the contrary if you feel like you are constantly waiting for “next time” to come around and it never does, and you’re frequently left feeling like the only one getting the short end of the stick in the partnership, it’s probably not worth your time and therefore the juice is definitely not worth the squeeze. Your efforts will be better spent elsewhere.
  3. How does the other person celebrate your wins? This one is pretty basic. If you are succeeding and your people aren’t cheering you on, they’re not your people.
  4. Do they support your decisions? A solid person will always support you whether they agree with your decisions or not. Period. Voicing an opinion and offering a different perspective is great, it shows that the other person is actually interested and engaged in what’s going on in your life but if you are met with conflict or manipulation over a decision that you have made for yourself then that’s usually a sign that the other person is responding out of selfishness and they are not looking out for your best interest, instead they’re making it about themselves and will likely not be there for you if things don’t go the way you plan. This often happens with overbearing people who don’t respect boundaries. Be firm and trust your gut no matter who gets p.o’d. The people that want to be involved in your life will support you notwithstanding their own personal opinions.
  5. Love SHOULD NOT hurt. We’ve all heard of the term ‘tough love’. The house that I grew up in, this term was used a lot. I was often under the impression that silent treatments and other forms of neglect were just signs of this so called love whenever I did something wrong so I grew up thinking that this was a totally normal and acceptable way to express my emotions and would later adopt tough love as a love language for myself. Tough love is not love. It’s toxic. Its used by people who do not understand how to communicate their feelings in a healthy way and its actually a form of emotional abuse and doing that to your loved ones is not only emotionally immature, it’s straight up abusive and can seriously mess up a person. Other more obvious forms of this so called tough love i.e. abuse is things like verbal abuse, making the other person feel small or stupid by belittling or being condescending, swearing and name calling, and the list just goes on. Basically if it leaves you scarred it’s not real love. If you do receive this type of treatment from anyone I would strongly urge you to walk away at the very first sign of it and if it’s something you’ve been brought up around you should seriously consider cutting ties with those family members as hard as it may be for you. That is the only way to amputate such toxic cycles outside of some serious family counselling which takes a lot of genuine effort from everyone involved. Healthy love is about openness, communication, creating a safe space to speak your truth, and listening when the other person needs to speak theirs.
  6. Promptly call out manipulation. Operative word being promptly. If you have ever come face to face with a manipulative person you know how quickly things can escalate. Gas lighting is a real thing and manipulators love to gas light. If you are dealing with someone who uses gas lighting or other forms of manipulation as a weapon, I’ve found it is best to just call it out immediately which usually puts an end to the convo pretty quickly. If it doesn’t, then the other person is still just left arguing with themselves while you’ve already mentally checked out.
  7. Accept the things you cannot change, but try not to take it too personally. Sometimes people don’t want to change and there’s nothing that you can do about it besides accept it and move on with your life. Let bygones be bygones and know you are better off without them.

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