Dear Mom,
Since becoming a mom myself I realize just how hard this job is, and over the years I’ve owed you more credit. Since becoming a mom, I realize that you were only doing your best, and that’s all us moms can really do in the end anyway. Since becoming a mom, I can see you more clearly outside of your role as my mom. I can see the struggles, I can see the sadness, and I can see the sort of life that you must have had, and I realize now just how hard that must have been for you. Having two children and a partner who doesn’t act like much of a partner is never easy. You must have felt so trapped and alone, because in a lot of ways you were. I see that now. I wish I could have seen you for the person that you are before we fell out because maybe then I would have had the empathy that was needed to salvage our crumbling relationship. All I ever wanted was to feel seen and heard, and I realize now that you probably always felt the same way too.
Mom, I know you struggled a lot when we were kids, as a mother, as a wife, and with your own family as well, and I am sorry that you had to suffer alone with that. I am sorry that you had to live without the support that you needed, or couldn’t ask for. I wish that you had been strong enough to find help. I want you to know that I still remember so much more of the good times over the bad when I think of us. When I sit and color with my daughter, I think of you and the way you used to hold the marker and color so perfectly in the lines and in sequence with each stroke, I was always so impressed by you. When her and I watch Disney movies together, I often think of us when I was small, and how much you loved Beauty and the Beast, and even though it wasn’t my favorite I would get so excited to watch it with you because it meant that we were spending time together. And whenever I find myself home sick or caring for my sick child, I think of all the ways you used to try and make me feel special when I was sick as a kid. I remember the sugary sports drinks that you would bring me and the People magazines that we would pick up on our way home from school after you would leave work early just to be with me. It was always you showing up when I needed it. I hope you always praise yourself for that when you look back and question whether you were a good mother. You were.
We as humans so often tend to think of the bad stuff before the good, but when I think of you and our house when I was small, I almost always think of the good things first, and it was because of you.
Mom, you were not always perfect, no one is. You struggled with your own demons and darkness and traumas and addictions, and yes, that was a heavy load for a small kid, but you were always there for me. You made sure that we always had a stable home and that dinner was made every night even though you worked just as hard outside of the home as dad. You always showed up whether it was a good day or a bad day, you were there for us and our house would have looked very different had you not stuck it out, even though I am sure you spent many nights thinking of ways to leave. Looking back now I can see how unhappy you were, and why you drank so much. If I was in that situation I would probably do the same. I appreciate the fact that you made your best efforts to keep it together for us. I realize that when things started to fall apart for you, it was not a choice that you willingly made to go down that path. I realize now that I am older that life just happens and we really have no control over anything anyways. All we can do is try again each day and hope for the best by making better decisions. But sometimes when the weight of the world gets too heavy it begins to feel impossible to pull yourself out of that bed everyday, and I can now acknowledge that.
Truly from the bottom of my heart, I forgive you.
Mom, if there was ever any doubt in your mind whether you did a good job, rest assured knowing that you raised two intelligent human beings who can be defined as successful, each in their own ways. Although our tribe feels very broken and there are only bits and pieces left of what was, that does not mean you are not still the monarch of our family, and that we could have ever survived without you.
And although another Mothers Day has come and gone without words exchanged between the two of us, know deep down that when I think of you, I think of love.
I love you very much mom, happy Mothers Day.
