Ahhh motherhood! The sisterhood of never ending worry, self-doubt, fear and anxiety, a club that most of us moms unknowingly or unintentionally entered into after giving birth. SURPRIIIISE! You’ve just leveled up to beast-mom-mode and you will never truly relax again.
When I made the decision to become a mother I think it’s now safe to say that I didn’t have a f*cking clue what I was getting myself into. Being a mom is so much more than I ever could have comprehended when I picture myself at 8 months pregnant imagining what it would be like pushing a stroller through the park on a sunny day, or preparing healthy snacks for my kid before school, or offering my motherly advice during difficult periods of growth. Motherhood is absolutely batshit crazy when you are going through it for the first time — I assure you, and I don’t imagine that ever changes. Once you cross the line into mom-hood there is no going back. You have turned your old self over and committed to a new life filled with woes, worry and constant wonder of “am I doing this right?”. Motherhood is somehow both fulfilling and draining on both a mental and physical level. It is simultaneous tears and smiles in tandem as you watch your baby grow from an infant to a toddler. It is a series of constant anxiety attacks followed by pure blissful moments when your little one does absolutely anything new for the first time. And as I just personally experienced, there is no bigger fear felt as a mom than when your precious little one falls ill for the first time. I thought the newborn days were tiring until I spent four consecutive nights with my hand placed on my kids forehead while she slept trying to decipher whether I should wake her up to take her temperature again, and again, and again. Even when I had a moment to myself I was googling facts about fevers, doubting everything I had ever previously known about getting sick. There are no breaks when it comes to motherhood, and very little time to relax which is a far cry from my previous life. Having a child instantly makes you nuts. It is the strongest, craziest, most heart wrenching, stressful, beautiful, natural and unreal love that you will ever feel in your entire life for another person. Like I said, its batshit crazy, and now, so am I thanks to motherhood.
There are very real and unrealistic expectations that society places on women the very moment that we become moms, which also makes me kinda crazy. How we should raise our kids, the way we give birth, the way we teach our children about life. Its so intrusive. There is little to no room for personal opinion on how to “mom” in societies view, its all about the right way to do something, and of course if you aren’t showing it all off on social media then you aren’t really doing it right, right? Something less talked about is this whole other invisible side of motherhood, the massive transition that takes place, something that I did not know existed before becoming a mom myself. Call it naïve if you will. The postpartum phase is just, wow. No words to describe it. And then there is the literal overnight change that having a baby brings to your relationship. Did you love your partner before you had a baby and now find yourself suddenly disgusted with the way they breathe? Me too. Welcome to motherhood. I have never felt resentment toward my husband the way I do now. I understand that this is a phase and it too shall pass, just like the sleepless nights accompanied by the newborn phase but FFS, when will it end? I don’t mean being a mom, but being a new mom. When does it all start to feel normal? Suddenly your go-to human becomes this stranger in your very different household and the craziest part about all of this is that its totally normal to feel this way. Or so I have read. And it makes sense, right? We’re both going through an identity crisis, separately and together as a couple and individually as new parents. The days of having time to just be together are far behind us. So we are faced with learning new ways to be together, while also being with this new amazing creature that we created, our little tiny third wheel who we are eternally grateful for. Hating (superficially I will add) the very person that you chose to marry for life and procreate with is a pretty unsettling feeling. For both of us. I mean, I am sure he feels the hatred at times and I am sure at times he also hates me, too. Having a baby turns your entire world upside down, and it can turn you and your partner against each other if you aren’t prepared for the change. To be honest, these changes have caught me totally off guard and with my pants down. So here I am warning you — you can thank me later. I’ll admit I was so obsessed with choosing the right birth plan that I did not realize that rather than gazing at my husband while he cradled our baby girl in his arms thinking how beautiful everything was, instead I might find myself 11 months in riddled with bitterness because he got 5 more minutes in the shower than I did this morning. Cue the petty mom guilt. Do I dare say these things out loud? MY GOD of course not, because society tells me I shouldn’t. I must be forever grateful for this magical gift of life that I have been blessed with and I should never complain, ever. Let me just clarify to society that I am eternally grateful for this beautiful magical gift I am so lucky to have, but f*ck me, motherhood is hard sometimes. There, I said it for all of us. And I know I am not alone. So why don’t moms openly talk about this stuff? I think part of the reason is because of the way it might be perceived, and maybe a little bit because after becoming a mom there is this instant, imminent fear of it all being taken away, so to ever speak negatively about it could attract some sort of bad omen. But I am a living example that motherhood is a struggle, and struggling is lonely, and it is even more lonely when we don’t share our struggles with each other.
Society paints this picture of what a mom should look like which creates so much pressure and anxiety on a modern day woman. I am often left feeling like I just don’t know how I can ever fit into this mold that was created for some other person. I’m a fulltime working mom, which means I don’t have as much energy or time to be with my daughter, and although I am providing for my family by working fulltime I am often left feeling guilty because I don‘t have the same mental or physical capacity as a stay at home mom would have. Dads on the other hand have always worked fulltime (speaking for the majority) and never once has society told them they should feel guilty for it. For some reason we as moms feel guilty for the sacrifices that we make by being a provider for our children and it makes zero sense.
Being a mom is the most rewarding and challenging thing I have ever done. Would I trade it? Not for a minute. Talking about the struggles of being a mom doesn’t take away from any of the good parts, either. The challenges don’t compare to one single smile that my daughter gives me on any given day. That’s the strange thing about being a mom. It can be the hardest, most frustrating job on the planet but in one single moment with just a smile or a hug from your little one, every other challenge you experienced earlier that day melts away. The way that your kid looks up at you and you feel that they love you with their entire being with just one look, that is truly the most special feeling that can only be described as magic.
